Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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