He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.