he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.