I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)