I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
