I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
