i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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