this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
