you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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