Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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