Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
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do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
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You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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