I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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