the condom got lost in my hair
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
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