Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
