I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude i'm inner monologue high
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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