I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
