david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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