I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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