he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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