Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
