Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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