would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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