saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
