My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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