I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
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