I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
