I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
