dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
