you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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