Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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