She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
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Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
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He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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