we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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