FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
