Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
don't judge my taste in strippers
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
