Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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