So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
