Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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