if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
