I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize