I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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