You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
did i walk over a car last night?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
