drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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