remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You have to summon your inner elephant
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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