He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
