You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
