On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
