Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
