Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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