Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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