Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
