i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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