Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
