I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
