I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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