Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
