she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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