I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
