Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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