I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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