masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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